Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
