Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
