dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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