We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Randomize
