If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
