No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Randomize
