The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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