Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
