I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
