I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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