And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
