I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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