i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
