So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
