Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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