I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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