you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
