just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
too bad you live with your parents still
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize