i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
