u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
