Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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