im drinking this country out of the recession.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
