Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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