I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize