You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize