I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
