the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
