the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
