Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
