I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
