worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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