Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
