No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
