10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
