Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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