mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
