Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
