Old men and throwing up are my life now.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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