While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
