Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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