I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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