i wish there were pregnant emoticons
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The best revenge is premature balding
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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