My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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