every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Did I show you my penis last night?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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