Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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