Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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