So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
