After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
