can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
