I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
