THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
