So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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