I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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