I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
