I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
