I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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