If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
