Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
