Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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