Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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