While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize