How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
